In the darkness . . .
Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The child of your love -- and now become as the most hated one--the one You have thrown away as unwanted--unloved. I call, I cling, I want--and there is no One to answer--no One on Whom I can cling--no, No One.-- Alone. The darkness is so dark--and I am alone.--Unwanted, forsaken.--The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable.--Where is my faith?--even deep down, right in, there is nothing but emptiness & darkness.--My God--how painful is this unknown pain. It pains without ceasing.--I have no faith.--I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart--& make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me--I am afraid to uncover them--because of the blasphemy--If there be God,--please forgive me.--trust that all will end in Heaven with Jesus.--When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven--there is such emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul.--Love--the word--it brings nothing.--I am told God loves me--and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.
2 comments:
I find it comforting that the prayers of Mother Teresa were so dark. Even at the most productive time in her ministry, her prayers were like the darkest lament psalms. Her words help me to feel that it is all right to have such dark despairing feelings and that God will hear my darkest prayers.
Dear God, please help me even when I am afraid to trust you, even when it is hard to say your name and believe in it, even when I feel you do not want me.
Oh, the pain and emptiness touches my soul almost too deeply, though it leaves me realizing my gratitude that I am not living now where Mother Teresa dwelt when she wrote this excruciating prayer. I feel such empathy for her and pray with hope that she was right, that at this moment in timeless eternity, "all will end in Heaven with Jesus."
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